Talking to your Significant Other about Surrogacy

It's hard to deny that your greatest support system, when in a relationship, resides with your significant other. While family in general can play an extraordinary role in our lives, the adult we tend to interact with and depend on, usually on a daily basis, is the one we share the most intimate of relationships with. This is why it is incredibly important to have them in your corner when you decide to start on this amazing journey known as surrogacy!

Reactions of significant others can vary from immediate support to a downright roadblock of; “No way, no how!” There is no right or wrong reaction, of course, because this is an incredibly intimate process, and most of what people see in regards to surrogacy are the sensationalized accounts through the media and movies. When it comes to talking to your significant other about surrogacy, it really boils down to communication. This might seem like a simple answer at a first glance, but most couples know that talking to, and communicating with, your significant other are two different animals.

So what should you do?

First you should read up on the topic and gather some basic information about surrogacy, and then set aside some one-on-one time to broach the subject with them. Obviously if they think it’s a great idea from the get-go, there’s not much more you can do except start the journey together! Though we do recommend touching on the subjects we’ve listed below, if for no other reason than to confirm their opinions on certain aspects of surrogacy.

For others who might need some advice on how to navigate the waters of the significant others who don’t think it’s a good fit for your family, here’s a few suggestions on conversation topics.

-Is your own family complete? It is highly advised to be finished creating your family before helping someone or a couple start or expand theirs. Complications can arise which may lead to you not being able to carry anymore children, biological or not.
-What kind of couples you’re comfortable carrying for, e.g. Heterosexual, Single, Gay, Foreign, and so on.
-How many babies you are willing to carry; never transfer more than you are comfortable with carrying!
-The possibility of an embryo splitting, even if you only transfer one.
-The risks associated with a multiples pregnancy.
-Views on termination, selective reduction, genetic tests, and amniocentesis.
-Pumping breastmilk for the baby or babies post-birth.
-How many transfers you’re willing to undergo if you do not become pregnant.
-If you will be able to go on bed rest with no major hurdles in case of such an event.
-Is your significant other okay with being tested, and adhering to the various rules in place?
-If everyone is on board with responding to communications in a timely manner, as contracts do require the signature of both people in the relationship. Also taking the time to review the contracts together, to make sure you both agree on all the terms.
-Taking and sometimes helping to take medications, especially the injections.
-If everyone is willing to invest the time needed to make the best effort toward a successful journey. Surrogacy is not a quick process, and not everyone becomes pregnant on the first transfer. Not to mention the other various aspects of the journey that can cause delays, which are usually out of your hands.
-Are you and your significant other able to take time out of work for the start-up of the process, various screenings and tests, not to mention anything that may/will come up as the journey progresses. Like doctor appointments and ultrasounds. Keep in mind multiples pregnancies are high risk, and high risk means more appointments and more time off of work.
-As with any pregnancy, surrogacy or not, there are risks involved, and in the most extreme of cases it can result in maternal morbidity or mortality. This is something that needs serious discussion, because it is one thing to take such risks for your own family, and touching on the subject with your significant other in how it relates to surrogacy is a must.

Even with the above suggestions, you may find your significant other unwilling to consider you doing a surrogacy journey. Every relationship is different, and of course we fault no one for not feeling entirely comfortable with the process, no matter how much information we provide or direct others to. This process is not for everyone, and not for everyone’s family. You may have to come to terms with the fact that, barring a change of opinion, surrogacy may not happen for you.

We do hope, however, that the above suggestions help you to have the best conversation possible with your significant other on the topic of surrogacy.  Of course, Shared Conception is happy to have a conference call or live meeting with the spouse and go over any questions or concerns they have-not a problem.  Surrogacy truly is an amazing process, and Shared Conception is ready to get you started!


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