Building that bond….how Intended Parents act with surrogates

There are two types of relationships that intended parent (IP’s)  tend to cultivate with their surrogates: familial and business.

The familial is how it sounds. The IPs welcome the surrogate into their lives with open arms, believing this woman is giving them the greatest gift of all. The hope is for a continued relationship with her after the child is born. Often, this is displayed as going out to dinner together, bringing her and her family gifts and showing other signs of their appreciation. After delivery, they tend to send pictures and email updates to their surrogate mother. Throughout the years they may even visit, forming a continuous bond made for life.

In the second situation, the IPs believe they are reimbursing the surrogate for services rendered concluding with the birth of their child. The road to becoming parents has been so difficult for them that they do not wish to have anything possibly hinder them in their endeavor. The surrogate is a necessity, but not necessarily an extended part of their family or someone they wish to stay in contact with. Some may not even wish to tell their children how they were conceived, due to personal reasons.

Both of these views are completely understandable and should be acceptable to anyone choosing to become a surrogate. However, both types of IP’s have been known to switch sides during or right after their journey. For most, the journey is uncharted territory and it is very difficult to know what your emotions will be like during each stage. Incredibly supportive IP’s have cut ties abruptly with surrogates once the baby is born and somewhat apprehensive ones have opened up and taken to their surrogate more than they expected.

Here is an email (permission granted) from an actual surrogate to her Intended Parent approximately 7 months  AFTER the birth. (All names have been changed for privacy purposes.)

"I don't know how I feel about doing another surrogacy for someone else.  My dilemma is that I know there are people out there that need surrogates and I know I can do it, so am I being selfish if I don't do it? I know I am not obligated and I know that there is a lot of sacrifice on my end.  My other issue is how would a second go possibly tarnish our adventure?   Despite some of the pitfalls we experienced, I am able to look back at the experience as one of the greatest things I have ever done and rewarding in more ways than I would have ever imagined.  When I first talked to Shiva about what I wanted in a surrogacy/parents, one of the things she asked was about contact with the family after birth....At the time, my main goal was to help a couple have a family and to fill a void I felt in my heart that compelled me to do it....I told her that it would be nice to know that the baby I carried was well but that was not a deal breaker for me.  Well, I can tell you, I would be devastated if you cut off contact after the baby was born.  But not for the reason most people would be sad.  Don't get me wrong, I have a very special place in my heart for Amanda but I can honestly say that I have zero "maternal" bond or extra connection with her.  It is the weirdest thing and I think people think I am lying when they ask me about it but it is the honest truth.  Ahhh, but here is the caveat to that....When I think of YOU or someone asks about YOU, my heart melts and I get that warm fuzzy feeling and my mind wanders off thinking about what you might be doing a that moment, if you are happy, etc! (All of the things that most surrogates would feel about the baby!) I was pretty certain that I would not have an emotional bond to a baby that I carried because I didn't with my own children until after their birth for goodness sakes!  But what I never could have imagined was the tremendous bond I would feel towards her mother and when it was all said and done, I could honestly say that I carried a baby for one of my most special and dear friends (as opposed to "a couple I was matched with"). You will be my friend for life...if you'll have me!!   Everyone says that what I did was so amazing and selfless, etc...But they have no idea of the emotional gift I received when you came into my life. I might have filled a void in your life by giving you Amanda but your friendship has made my life fuller and happier and I will always cherish it and nurture it so that hopefully I will have it for our lifetime"

It’s not about the bond with the BABY. It’s about the bond with the INTENDED PARENTS!

What is really needed for the whole process to work is a calm understanding. No company knows this better than Shared Conception.  Not only is this our trade, this is our passion. Filled with past and present surrogate, we understand the entire process from all  sides. Our goal is to tailor each surrogacy to each person’s expectations. We  know how to match IP’s with the right kind of surrogate so that trust and understanding can thrive.  No matter the family dynamic, we strive to give 100% of our  time, effort and experience into each arrangement so that a healthy, happy baby (or two) may be born into a loving family. Every one of them fits a heart shape! Call us!

                                                      

 

 

 


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